Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
