Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
