It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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