The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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