this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
