i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
