I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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