Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
