and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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