Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
