TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
