If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
