chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize