They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
