fuck your aforementioned shoe
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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