She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
