Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
