I wish I could punch you in the face.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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