This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
