my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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