Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
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