Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
