i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
