i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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