She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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