Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
