Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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