I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize