Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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