I got chris browned last night
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
