Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
