Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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