he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
