There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
