i love accidental penises.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
