I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
