Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
