and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
