so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
