Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
