I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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