so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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