conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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