i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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