Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
