Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
