There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You may now shotgun with the bride
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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