last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
