If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
