how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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