Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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