What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How does one acquire holy water?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
