apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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