i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
